What they don't tell you.

Maybe this isn't such a shock to every new mom. Or maybe I skipped this part in "What to Expect". But the moment T was born I was overwhelmed by 2 emotions;

a) everything I thought I knew about loving someone was obliterated the moment they placed her in my arms for the first time.

b) fear. 

All of sudden, my husband and I became totally responsible for this teeny, tiny person. Physically, mentally, emotionally, she was a blank slate and J and I were the ones entrusted with the massive responsibility of lighting the way for her future. 

That's HUGE. 

And I know I had 39 weeks to prepare for this. Heck, I had time before we even conceived to contemplate the ramifications of bringing a new life into this world but it's just something I couldn't even comprehend until I became a mother... and to be perfectly honest, and this probably sounds cocky, it wasn't even on my radar. I am not a fearful person. I was SO excited to meet my daughter and while I knew it would be overwhelming, I knew J and I would muddle through. We had each other, and we are pretty good pair. 

But that first night in the hospital with my baby girl, I didn't sleep. At all. I was EXHAUSTED. But my brain was in overdrive. Full of "What ifs". SIDS, choking, childhood diseases, allergies, car accidents, drowning... you name it, I had a minor panic attack about it that first night. T slept, well, like a baby and I couldn't stop staring at her. Overwhelmed by the love I felt for her and the unmeasurable need to protect her. 

I had never felt anything like it before.

I don't know if I ever expressed these fearful moments to anyone before, even to J. I know they are probably par for the course, especially for a first time mom. And as we found our groove as a little family of 3 not only did I find my own parenting style, but I calmed down. Don't get me wrong, its still terrifying as all heck to be a parent. And the fears I have are very real, and totally justified. But I know each and every moment of each and every day I love and protect her with everything that I am, and more. And if that's not enough, then I don't know what is.