those mama wars.

Today, I have officially been a working mama for 3 months. I'm half way through a 6 month contract and I have to say... I'm kinda loving it.

I thought I would feel guilty, dropping T at daycare everyday, skipping off to work and leaving someone else to "raise" my daughter. I though I would feel sad, missing out on all the everyday little milestones that we had experienced when I was home all the time.

But I don't.

(Well, maybe a teeny bit, sometimes.)

Sometimes, as mothers, I feel like we get all caught up in the "mommy wars." You know, the war that has spawned such battles as formula feeding vs. breast feeding, cloth vs. disposable diapers, working vs. stay at home mom. These battles leave us feeling inadequate in one respect or another depending on our choice. They make you question every move you make since the moment your newborn is placed in your arms, and, in my opinion, take a little bit of the joy out of motherhood. All of this guilt and judgement comes from those women that are meant to be our allies in this whole wild journey of parenting.

Honestly, I don't have an opinion one way or another on how someone else should raise their baby. As parents, we have an obligation and a responsibility to do our absolute best every second of every day for our kids (and if that means feeding them a bottle of formula, go for it.) Some days my laundry is done, my house is tidy, there is something delicious simmering in the crock pot while I am at work and my kid and I laugh, giggle and enjoy every second we get together.

And other days.. well, the house is an absolute disaster, my kid freaks out at every. little. thing. and we have cereal for dinner.

This post is a little disjointed, a little rambly (and a whole lot soap box-y).

I am so thankful I got 17 months at home with my beautiful girl, to soak up every second of baby goodness I could. I realize how lucky I am to live in a country where an entire year of maternity leave is available.

But I am really enjoying being back at work. Making my own money. And using a different part of my brain.

And it makes every second I get with T that much sweeter.

Those days...

Those days when your kid has had a fever for 5 days and you feel like the worlds worst mom when you finally take her to the doctor and they tell you its tonsillitis.

Those days when you come in from afternoon milking and your kid wont. stop. crying. For an entire hour. And won't eat. And just wants to be held. But doesn't want to be held. And then continues to cry until she finally crashes in her crib.

Those days when you feel like crying right along with her.

One day, those days will be just a blur of memories that make up T's toddlerhood and my first few years as a mom.



Until then, I'll take up drinking.



(Kidding. Kind of.)

Strength.

There are a few shows on TV that I watch fairly religiously, one of which is Grey's Anatomy. I have always had a thing for medical dramas (ER being my all time fave). Medicine and all it entails fascinates me (but not to the point where I could ever pursue medicine as a career... I was never that dedicated of a student!) and so on Thursday nights, for an hour, I pretend.

Tonight's episode had a particularly poignant story line for me. Amongst the fairly predictable devastating traumas and torrid on call room love affairs was a mother who wouldn't take no for an answer.

Her son had been sick for days and this mother just knew it was more than the virus it was being dismissed as. She fought for her kid, and even though she was faced with doctors telling her there was no possible way it was anything other than strep throat she went with her gut. Her maternal instinct told her it was more than that and she trusted it with all her heart. And she was right. It was Kawasaki Disease, a potentially fatal childhood disease.

I know it's only a fictional tv show but this episode really struck a chord with me for a couple reasons;

1. I had Kawasaki Disease as a child
2. Will I be strong enough?

I was 4 when I was diagnosed with Kawasaki Disease. (It is most common in children under 5). When I was diagnosed, Kawasaki Disease was a very rare occurrence in North America. I was very lucky that I lived in a city with one of the best children's hospitals in the world.  And while I don't remember all the details of my hospitalization I do remember the fear. Fear of being in such a scary place and the fear that was palpable from my parents. I can't even imagine what it's like to see your 4 year old in the hospital for an extended period of time, seriously ill. I hope I never do. Just the thought of it breaks my heart.

When T was born, I realized that I owe my mom way more credit than I ever gave her. She is one strong woman.

I think the thing that hit me the hardest when watching the episode is the conviction in which the mother advocated for her son's health. I hope I never have to, but if it comes down to it, will I have that intuition? The strength to fight for what I believe in for the sake of my daughter when all the professionals are shooting me down? Trusting what I know to be true purely based on a 'feeling'?

I like to think I would. Actually I know I would. I feel like with every passing day my maternal instinct is strengthened and validated.

So thank you, Grey's Anatomy & Shonda Rhimes. For providing an hour of entertainment on an otherwise dull night of television. For raising awareness for Kawasaki Disease (more information can be find here) And for demonstrating the power of the maternal instinct.

City vs. Country

Last night I was flipping through a parenting magazine as I half watched a very educational television program (ok, probably more like some ridiculous reality tv show). Amongst the articles instructing me on how to parent my toddler (aka wrangling a orangutang with no fear and mood swings that would rival a 13 year old girl) and good looking recipes that I always think I should attempt but never do was a "debate" section. This month's topic was addressing whether it is better to raise children in the country or the city.

I have honestly never even thought of one being better than the other. I have the unique perspective of having been raised in the city (one of the largest in Canada) and now living, for the last 5 years, in the country. It's a no brainer as to what is better for me at this point in my life; I never felt at home in the city. During the toast to the bride on my wedding day my uncle summed it up perfectly. "She is a country girl that happened to be born in the city". I love my country lifestyle (while appreciating the fact that all the city amenities are only a couple hours away).

But what about T?

In my opinion, one is not better for raising children than the other. They are just different. Both offer unique opportunities and challenges. In the city, the sounds of passing vehicles, pedestrians and the occasional emergency vehicle lulled me to sleep. Street lamps were a constant glow outside my window. Out here in the country, it is quiet, and dark. (Except for the occasional bawling cow and the stars... So many stars.) In the city, we carpooled to school, and later on, we took public transit. Out here, T will take a school bus. The city offers many enrichment opportunities in the form of art galleries, museums, and exhibits (oh ya, and the shopping!) while the enrichment our farm offers is not something you could ever capture in a still life or static exhibit.

T gets to experience wide open spaces, livestock, and the pride that is turning hard work and dedication into food to feed these cities.

I am excited that T will get to experience the best of both worlds. I hope she embraces the multiculturalism the city has to offer when we visit her GeeGee while remembering her country roots. I hope she appreciates the sense of community there is amongst farmers and the quaintness of small town life. And I am grateful that I live in a part of the world where they are both so accessible.

Most of all I just want her to look back at her childhood with fond memories like I do.

Keeping her safe.

This week is the Canadian Agricultural Safety Week. (More information can be found here). Farming is a wonderful lifestyle, but not without it's hazards. In fact, farming is considered one of the top three most hazardous industries. This blew my mind. I mean, it is an active and physical job involving livestock (in our case) but I have never felt unsafe.

However, this Safety Week has made me more aware of potential hazards around me, and more importantly, my daughter. I grew up in a big city with a fenced in backyard. The largest piece of machinery I dealt with was my mom's SUV. Raising a kid on the farm is whole new ball game. J and I have had a lot of discussion surrounding T in the barn. We are striving to find a balance between allowing her to explore, learn and cultivate her toddler curiosities without risk. Now that she is walking, there are even more hazards to consider.

T is never let out of her stroller unless there is someone that can stay right by her side while she toddles around the barn. Usually this happens as chore time is winding down. We have explained to her not to stand right it front of the cows (especially the older, crotchety cows) because they can bunt pretty hard!  (Obviously at 16 months old she doesn't quite understand the concept, but one day she will).  She loves tractors and the cows, but is closely supervised when in close proximity to either.

Always close by...

She is a lucky kid. Cows in her backyard, tractors in the shed and wide open places to explore.

Here's to safe farming.

p.s. To learn more about farm safety, check out this website.

What they don't tell you.

Maybe this isn't such a shock to every new mom. Or maybe I skipped this part in "What to Expect". But the moment T was born I was overwhelmed by 2 emotions;

a) everything I thought I knew about loving someone was obliterated the moment they placed her in my arms for the first time.

b) fear. 

All of sudden, my husband and I became totally responsible for this teeny, tiny person. Physically, mentally, emotionally, she was a blank slate and J and I were the ones entrusted with the massive responsibility of lighting the way for her future. 

That's HUGE. 

And I know I had 39 weeks to prepare for this. Heck, I had time before we even conceived to contemplate the ramifications of bringing a new life into this world but it's just something I couldn't even comprehend until I became a mother... and to be perfectly honest, and this probably sounds cocky, it wasn't even on my radar. I am not a fearful person. I was SO excited to meet my daughter and while I knew it would be overwhelming, I knew J and I would muddle through. We had each other, and we are pretty good pair. 

But that first night in the hospital with my baby girl, I didn't sleep. At all. I was EXHAUSTED. But my brain was in overdrive. Full of "What ifs". SIDS, choking, childhood diseases, allergies, car accidents, drowning... you name it, I had a minor panic attack about it that first night. T slept, well, like a baby and I couldn't stop staring at her. Overwhelmed by the love I felt for her and the unmeasurable need to protect her. 

I had never felt anything like it before.

I don't know if I ever expressed these fearful moments to anyone before, even to J. I know they are probably par for the course, especially for a first time mom. And as we found our groove as a little family of 3 not only did I find my own parenting style, but I calmed down. Don't get me wrong, its still terrifying as all heck to be a parent. And the fears I have are very real, and totally justified. But I know each and every moment of each and every day I love and protect her with everything that I am, and more. And if that's not enough, then I don't know what is. 

Pinterest Round Up.

I love Pinterest. Love, love, love it. That being said, I don't necessarily end up loving everything I pin.

Since T (and I) have both been battling bugs over the last week and a half (baby ear infections suck.  So much.) I have had A LOT of time cooped up in the house to experiment with some pins. Part of my new years resolution was to try at least one new recipe a week, and so far, so good! 

Here is a bit of a review of my recent pin attempts (mostly so I remember which whens were craptastic)

Jello Play Dough

Source: playdoughrecipe.org via Caitey on Pinterest

I had a bit of a panic attack this week that I'm not stimulating my kid enough. I mean we read stories,  destroy have fun in the playroom and she gets to hang out with cows twice a day.  But as a stay at home mom I feel like I should be planning activities for her, challenging her development etc etc.

Ridiculous. She is 14 months old.

But, while she isn't quite ready for a full blown curriculum, I thought some sensory activities might be fun and a nice change. So during her nap one day I made this  play dough recipe, which uses jello for coloring. 

It turned out pretty awesome! (And smells delicious too.) The recipe omits that once you mix all the ingredients together you have to cook it over a medium low heat for approximately 10 minutes. You will know when it all comes together. I have stored ours in the fridge and it has kept well. It also didn't leave my hands, or Miss T's feeling like the Sahara Desert afterwards. (I HATE dry hands. Or skin.) And while T wasn't sculpting great works of art, she did have fun squishing it between her fingers (and eating it.)

(If anyone out there has good suggestions for fun activities for 14 month olds I am open to any and all suggestions.... we like getting messy.)

Dried Strawberries

Source: theworldwidegourmet.com via Caitey on Pinterest

These were a bit of a bust. The description under the pin said they are just like candy but healthy. Obviously too good to be true. Instead of coming out chewy and sweet as described, they ended up being dry on the outside and mushy on the inside. Edible, but not worth the 3 hours in the oven.

Roasted Tomato & Goat Cheese Pasta

This was amazing. So freaking delicious. We had it for dinner tonight and I wish I had made more! I followed this recipe. Sort of. I used cherry tomatoes and just tossed them in a glass baking dish with olive oil, salt and pepper. I roasted them in the oven for about an hour and a half. They came out with blackened edges but thats the way I like them! Next time I may roast a few cloves of garlic along with the tomatoes. I also cooked up some bacon and crumbled it up in the pasta too. I used linguini because thats all I had. And a TON of goat cheese.

It was also big hit with the under 2 crowd ( the kid is obsessed with goat cheese). And husband approved. 

Next up?

Source: blogchef.net via Caitey on Pinterest

Taco stuffed potato skins for the big game. Bring on the Superbowl! 

Oh! The places you'll go!

On and on you will hike.
And I know you'll hike far
and face up to your problems
whatever they are.

You'll get mixed up, of course,
as you already know.
You'll get mixed up
with many strange birds as you go.
So be sure when you step.
Step with care and great tact
and remember that Life's
a Great Balancing Act.
Just never forget to be dexterous and deft.
And never mix up your right foot with your left.

And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed.)

KID, YOU'LL MOVE MOUNTAINS!

~ from "Oh, the Places You'll Go!" by Dr. Seuss

Nothing like a little motivation and perspective from a treasured bedtime story. Thank you Dr. Seuss for saying it better than I can. 

T, you WILL move mountains. 

How I Roll.

When I was pregnant, I avidly read every book, magazine and blog I could get my hands on about pregnancy, birth and beyond. It was like an addiction. An overwhelming addiction. And beyond learning what fruit size my baby was at each week of pregnancy (there is something a little bit weird about comparing your growing fetus to a cantaloupe), I can't honestly remember anything I read.

There are so many parenting styles and philosophy's out there. So many choices to make as a new parent. Co- sleeping, breast feeding, baby wearing, baby led weaning, sleep training... and the list goes on, and on and ON. There are even choices to make about the whole birth process; natural or epidural, OB or midwife, hospital, birthing center or at home... It's absolutely terrifying.  And as a first time parent, I didn't want to make the wrong choice. Heaven forbid I choose purees over baby led weaning and screw her chances to get into a good university right?!

 

But in all honesty, this post isn't about whether than one is better than the other. I have no interest in debating any of that... your baby, your choice. But I did want to share a little about how I roll as a parent. And while I am a relative rookie in this whole adventure that is parenting, so far so good ( I think...)

I guess my style could best be described as "go with the flow". When T was teeny tiny, we let her dictate when she ate and slept. I did breastfeed (I am an advocate of feeding your baby, whether it be formula or breastfeeding. I was lucky that I was able to breastfeed successfully for 9 months but I know its not that easy for everyone... the first 2 weeks were REALLY hard). I tried to "wear" her in a Beco carrier but in all honesty, she wasn't the biggest fan (I loved the carrier, she just didn't like being that close to me). I started feeding her solids around 6 months and I did start her on cereal and purees, but she's such an independent little thing, we moved pretty quickly on to finger foods. We never co-slept. She moves way too much in her sleep for either of us to be comfortable. And I did sleep train her around 7 months. We used The Baby Sleep Solution and it worked really well for us.

For the first year of her life, I let my daughter lead the way.  And she taught me everything I needed to know about parenting that first year.

Looking towards the future, I hope I can maintain a relaxed attitude towards parenting. I know that toddlers are challenging,  3 year olds are down right terrifying and I don't even want to think about the teenage years. And while I will continue to go with the flow, there are a few things that's I feel it's my duty to instill in her as a parent.

1. Respect - for her family, her elders, her classmates and friends, the environment and the farm animals that are our livelihood. Most importantly, respect for herself.

2. Ambition - for whatever she chooses in life. May it be school work, a hobby, farming or her career. Whatever direction she chooses in life, I hope she lives it passionately and with ambition.

3. Love and Laughter - Recently, T and I were hanging out with my Mom and sister. While watching my Mom and T play and giggle together, my sister said "we were raised with a lot of laughter". This has resonated with me ever since. Its true. We were raised in a household full of love and laughter and I only hope I can do the same.

Raising a farm kid presents a whole new set of challenges, and opportunities. I am totally cool with my kid getting dirty. Heck, she already does! I know the farm allows for all sorts of exploration and learning opportunities. And with these opportunities comes challenges. She will need to learn that while cows are docile and sweet animals, they are animals. And animals are unpredictable. She will need to learn that tractors are not toys, and the manure pit is never a place she should be. But above all, I hope she learns how lucky she is to have a dairy farm in her backyard.

So Miss T, thanks for teaching me more than I could ever learn from a book over the last 13+ months.

Fingers crossed we can muddle through toddlerhood with relative success!